Wednesday, October 31, 2007

My Blog-of-the-Month Resignation Speech

Well, the time has come. On this Halloween day--fittingly, a day when we celebrate darkness, death, the ending of all good things and the rising of all things evil--I now must step down as the holder of the coveted spot as JP Fitness' Blog of the Month. It's been such an exciting whirlwind I can barely believe it's all over now.

First there was the official tattooing ceremony, when the image of a huge, fiery dumbbell was inked across my back with the words "Live To Lift...Lift To Live" inscribed beneath; followed by a week of hazing consisting of fat-loss workouts by Alwyn Cosgrove (owch!), strength workouts by Chad Waterbury (goff!), and combat-style workouts by Juan Carlos Santana (blurp!), all while following an extreme fat-loss diet designed by Alan Aragon (retch!!). The 15 body fat percentage points I lost and the 28 pounds of muscle I gained required that I buy a whole new wardrobe, which now consists entirely of '80's style patterned parachute pants and Gold's Gym sweatshirts. Mysteriously, my hair has become a blond mullet (don't ask me how), spikey on the top, pony-tailed in the back. But I usually cover it in a do-rag anyway. I also wear a huge hoop in my left ear, and sport an orangey, full-body tan year-round, which helps to cover the copious stretch marks all across my now-massive frame.

As Blog-of-the-Monther, I was swarmed with guest writing and speaking engagements. I wrote for MUSCLE AND FITNESS and told everyone they should cycle their workouts in a twelve-part split, including a traps day and a day dedicated entirely to training the sartorius. I covered the Mr. Olympia for FLEX and said that Ronnie looked flat. I did an article for MEN'S HEALTH and said that squats and Olympic lifts would help them attract women, then submitted the same article to MEN'S FITNESS but instead of "attract women," I wrote "score with the office hottie." Jimmy the Bartender shook his head in disapproval. I wrote an online pieces for TESTOSTERONE NATION, but it was taken down because the readers cited more studies than I could. I posted some thoughts on JPFitness, but was ridiculed by the actual Steven Hawking, who apparently is a voluble member there as well (he calls himself "QuantumDude123" and uses a picture of the FUTURAMA scientist for his avatar). Too lazy to crank out still more pieces for WOMEN'S HEALTH and SELF, I pasted together some bon mots from previous articles, but added several references to "Your Problem Zones."

I spoke at seminars and conferences, saying that fitness programs would beef up your company's bottom line, all the while uncertain whether it was in fact true. I guest posed at a women's prison in Ventura, and was offered a role as the Rock's second henchman in a movie whose working title is "The Rock's Second Henchman Gets Killed in the First Scene (...And You Can't Even See His Face)." Dwayne and I kicked it. I mean, I waved at him from the Kraft Service table and I think he might have seen me. I never actually met him; he used a double in my scene with him. Still, I thought we had good chemistry.

All in all, it's been a great month.

I'm a true fitness icon now!

Thanks, JP!

Andrew

1 comment:

JP Francoeur said...

You're more than welcome, Andrew! Your month was a wild ride for sure. It will go down in the anals of blogs-o-the-months... I mean ANNALS.

I told Stephen to quit trolling at my site, so you should be able to post there without harrassment henceforth.