Numbers, Shmumbers

About halfway through the first (and best) TERMINATOR movie, the CSM-101 cyborg (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) sits in a seedy hotel room paging through a stolen address book belonging to his quarry, Sarah Connor. Having had some of his external flesh--including one eyeball--torn away in various high-octane misadventures, the CSM-101 is partially rotting, and is surrounded by buzzing flies.

Drawn to the stench, a janitor bangs on the door: "Hey buddy," he says, "whaddya got in there, a dead cat, or what?"

We cut for a moment to a P.O.V shot of the CSM-101: its computer brain quickly scrolls through a list of possible responses to the janitor's question, including "YES/NO," "OR WHAT", and "PLEASE COME BACK LATER." The CSM-101, ever the master of the pithy phrase (it was this film that gave Schwarzenegger his famous 'I'll be back' line), settles on "F**K YOU, A**HOLE," which has the intended effect of sending the janitor on his mumbling, cart-pushing way down the hall.

I was reminded of this immortal moment when I was doing a talk-back following a student matinee of MACBETH yesterday morning. Amidst questions about makeup, getting into character, and line memorization, one young man raised his hand and said, "This is a question for the guy playing Macbeth...how much can you bench?"

He asked me this because he’s a high-school guy, and presumably, because he saw in my bio that in my other life, I work as a fitness coach.

Like the Terminator, I saw a list of options flash madly across my brain-radar screen:

1) LIE (EXAGGERATING)
2) LIE (LOWBALLING)
3) ASK HOW MUCH HE BENCHES, SCOFF AT HIS REPLY AND SAY I BENCH TWICE THAT AMOUNT.
4) ASK “WHAT’S A ‘BENCH PRESS’”?
5) GIVE ANSWER, BUT IN DECAGRAMS INSTEAD OF POUNDS
6) TELL THE TRUTH.

Option six initially seemed like the worst option—it was no-win, and all the others seemed more attractive by miles.

But I was too slow. I couldn’t think of any humorous way of getting around it, so I opted for option six, and told them that I’d once pushed 225.

Which I must have known even in the moment was actually a five-pound exaggeration, meaning that I actually opted for choice (1) above: exaggerate. I do remember hitting 220 once a couple of years back, then excitedly TRYING to lift two plates on each side on the next set. A kind spotter, obeying the universal, unspoken rule of spotting a brother-in-iron on the bench, gave me a good twenty pounds of assistance and blessedly said that the lift was ‘all me.’ This is something you just tell a guy whether it’s true or not, and having been in his shoes many times before, I knew what he really meant: “Pal, it’s a good thing I was here to help you, because without me here to save your sorry ass, that weight would have crushed you like an apricot beetle in July.”

So now I’ve come out: my real all-time max on the bench press is a measly 220 pounds. Wow, that was hard to say, but I feel good now that I’ve said it.

At this point, I imagine some of my hardcore-weight training readers are smirkingly clicking “reply” and “unsubcribe” on their keyboards; after all, what could a guy who only benches 220 know about fitness?

And some others—like the room full of high school kids I was addressing—will think, “Wow, he benches 220. He’s a regular Master of the Universe.”

If I were trying to brag about my paltry lift in the guise of false modesty—either here or at that talk-back--I don’t imagine I would have felt compelled to add that imaginary five pounds to my lift (as if someone unimpressed by a 220-pound lift would be blown away by a lift of 225. Good god, the ego works in the oddest way…).

No, the fact of the matter is that I feel pretty sheepish about my 220 pound bench. I have all kinds of excuses, ranging from “the bench press is overrated as a measure of strength,” to “I have long arms,” to “I don’t lift for maximal strength,” but who am I kidding? I’d love to be able to push 300 or more, and maybe someday I’ll hit that. But right now it ain’t in the cards for me and my delicate, oft-dislocated right shoulder, my impatience with the long rest periods required for near-maximal strength training, and my weird preference for lighter, faster, more cardio-demanding training sessions.

And I’m trying to just live with that, people, and remind myself that my pitiful bench press numbers don’t tell my whole story. Like everyone I train, and everyone who cares to read what I have to say about this absurd hamster-wheel practice of getting in ever-better shape, I’m a work in progress.

The larger point that I want to make here—and this, as always, is something for ME to remember as well—is not to sweat the numbers. They go up, they go down; some stuff’s easy for you, some stuff’s harder. There are always ways to address a number that seem stacked against you—whether that number is your body fat percentage, or your cholesterol level, or your resting heart rate. And addressing your “problem” stats is obviously an important part of fitness. But whatever number you happen to be working on at a given time, remember that it’s just a snapshot of one tiny piece of who you are at one very specific moment in time. It is NOT, as my alter-ego of the moment, Macbeth, says, the ‘be-all and the end-all.’ It’s fluid. It’s dynamic. And it’s within your control to change.
So hold those number lightly, people. Don’t be ashamed of them; shout them from the mountaintops.

Or, if you prefer, to a room full of slouching, scoffing teenagers.

Those numbers aren’t YOU, after all.

Andrew

(Question of the day: Why isn't "buttoxen" the plural of "buttocks"? (thanks, Jane!))

A Workout Program that Builds Muscle

I’ve never been much of one to tout workout programs of my own design on this blog. When it comes right down to it, any specific training program you can name is pretty easy to pick apart. If I say, for instance, you should do four sets of five reps of the clean and jerk and rest 90 seconds between sets, some wiseguy trainer will instantly send me four studies saying how eight sets of two reps with 45 seconds between sets is much better, and what a chump I am to invoke the antiquated ‘4 x 5’ system, what do I think this is, 1998, and that superstar trainer of the month Simpson Braddlehoffer uses a brand-new system of eighteen sets of forty reps with six minutes between sets and is getting astounding results with workouts that take just seven hours to complete.

It’s enough to make one swear off making any concrete recommendations at all.

I mean, science is a good thing, and thank god that a body of legitimate work is accumulating about the how different types of exercise and diets work. It’s important work and should ultimately really help us understand the best ways for everyone live longer, happier, and healthier, and lives.

But O my aching proprioceptors, the cacophony, the lines drawn in the sand, the aviary of squawking, screeching, pecking and scratching birds with their hypertrophied plumage all clamoring for their ideas about sets and reps and rest intervals to be heard. I like the Alwyn Cosgrove approach: we agree on the basics, what he calls the “big rocks;” get those things done and the rest is gravy. In a word, shut up and lift.

However, for some people that’s not good enough. They want details. Come to think of it, I want details too—not to argue over them, just to give me something new to try in the gym. I’m always interested in new training methods, no matter how bizarre they sound at first. But I’ve long since given up on searching for “the best” way to work out, because I know that such a plan doesn’t exist. It doesn’t even exist for a single individual for more than a few weeks at a stretch, because at that point, you need to change things up to keep the body guessing and adapting. So I don’t really get into discussions about what works better for everyone, all the time, period (unless it’s something really asinine, like ‘women shouldn’t exercise’). I’m more interested in discovering what’s out there that others are doing that’s working for them and seeing if I can incorporate it into my workouts and programs I design for others.

So usually I’m not really one for putting down on paper the exact stuff you should do, one day to the next.

Still, a good trainer should put himself out there, state his angle on things, and let the chips fall where they may. Heaven knows I’ve gotten into it (always civilly!) with the occasional reader of this blog, most recently with a Christian strength and conditioning coach who felt compelled to save my heathen soul from Satan’s clutches, so I can surely take some heat for some of the acute training variables I include in a weight training program or two.

So with that in mind, I'm offering one below for anyone who cares to try it out. I cooked up this template a couple of weeks back for a hypothetical intermediate-to-advanced lifter seeking a combination of strength and muscle size. It combines two basic set/rep schemes, the tried-and-true 3-4 x 8-12, and that old strength-builder, 5 x 5, for most exercises.

Each workout should begin with five minutes of general warm-up and another 5-7 minutes of dynamic stretching and mobility exercises with an emphasis on the muscles to be worked that day. Rest between sets should be about sixty seconds—I use a stopwatch to keep clients honest. At the end of the workout, I heartily recommend five to ten minutes of static stretching for all the major muscle groups.

Upper Body 1 (MONDAY)
Core / Ab Work: Choose 4 exercises, work to or near failure, minimal rest between exercises

Superset Pairs:
Incline Dumbbell Press 4 x 8-12
Seated Cable Rows 4 x 8-12

Clean and Jerk (heavy) 5 x 5
Chins 4 x 8-12

Flyes 3 x 8-12
Barbell Curls 3 x 8-12

Lower Body 1 (TUESDAY)
Squats 4 x 8-12

Superset Pair:
Bulgarian Split Squat/Lunge Variation 3 x 8-12
Leg Curls 3 x 8-12

1-leg Romanian Deadlift (alternating) 3 x 8-12

Calf Raise Variation 4 x 12-20
Ab Exercise of Choice 4 x 12-20



Upper Body 2 (THURSDAY)
Superset Pairs:
Dumbbell Overhead Press 4 x 8-12
WG Chins (heavy) 5 x 5

Bench Press/Decline Press (heavy) 5 x 5
Bent Over Rows/T-Bar Rows/Supported T-Bars (heavy) 5 x 5

Lateral Raises, Thumbs Up, 45 degrees/Cable Reverse Flyes 3 x 8-12
Dips/Lying Tricep Extensions 3 x 8-12



Lower Body 2 (FRIDAY)
Deadlift 5 x 5

Superset Pair:
Leg Extensions 3 x 8-12
Romanian Deadlift/Good Morning/Single-leg Romanian Deadlift 3 x 8-12

Step-Ups 3 x 8-12

Calf Raise Variation 5 x 5
Abs 5 x 8-10

Off Day Option for Additional Fat Loss:
(1-3x/week):
Sprint/Interval Training, mode of choice, 20 min plus stretching.

The volume in this program is such that you can work hard on each set and still feel energized, rather than completely wrung out, at the completion of the workout. As you can see, it’s based mostly on compound movements, but there are a few single-joint moves thrown in for vanity’s sake, and to allow you to catch your breath between the tougher, more complex moves.

Alternating sets of the clean and jerk with sets of chinups on Mondays is a serious metabolic challenge, but personally I like throwing in that kind of work to keep the heart and lungs healthy and to feel like I’m really working up a sweat, not just clanging iron around in the gym. And some people will find that doing Romanian Deadlifts AND deadlifts on the same day is too hard on their lower backs; in that case, I’d suggest repeating the single-leg version from Tuesday, which as I’ve said before, is one of my favorite rear-kinetic-chain moves.

Give this program a try and let me know how it goes for you.

Good luck—

Andrew