Saturday, June 30, 2007

Milo of Crotona's Training Log, 517 B.C.

Milo of CrotonaMILO OF CROTONA (Μίλων): Five-time wrestling champion from the 62nd to the 66th Olympiad, (532 to 516 BC); also a student of Pythagoras, the mathematician and philosopher. He wore a lion-skin cloak and carried a club like Hercules. In exhibitions, he would grasp a pomegranate so firmly that nobody could wrest it from him by force. It is said that in training he would hoist a calf upon his shoulders for a period of time each day; within a few months he was carrying a nearly full-grown cow. The story of his death has it that he came across a tree-trunk that was drying up; wedges were inserted to keep the trunk apart. Milo thrust his hands into the trunk, the wedges slipped, and Milo was held fast by the trunk until the wolves or a lion made him their prey. --compiled from online sources

Ides November, 517 B.C., 3:15 AM
Can't sleep, just got up to carve a word. Tough day: I found out that Olympian Amphorae has withdrawn its endorsement contract. Vince McMahonius says it's nothing against me; they're going for someone edgier, someone who hasn't dominated the Olympics since 532 B.C. Like my lion-skin and club aren't edgy. And I just put a down-payment on the summer place on the Amalfi coast :o ! Plus I'm still paying off that four-week intensive workshop with Pythagorus. Can't think about that though -- it's "personal growth" money, so it's tetradrachms well spent.

Gotta get it in gear and start training, but my heart's just not in it. I look at my reflection in the brook and can see I've clearly gained a libra or two around my midsection. Must have the lion-skin let out for next season.

The pregnant cow next door has finally stopped braying, so maybe I can get some sleep.

Kalends December, 517 B.C., 10:20 PM
Has Tartarus come from the underworld to torment me? Word has it that Olympian Amphorae is going to sign my old rival Timasitheus for their endorsement contract this year. He'll probably buy the summer home up from mine just to rub it in my face :( . Some Saturnalia this is turning out to be.

I had an exhibition today where I did my pomegranate trick. At the end there was stoney silence, so I shouted, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" at them. But they clearly weren't :( .

Worse yet, the neighbor's cow gave birth today and they asked me help them lift it into its paddock. Whenever they need something lifted or wrestled or pulled out of a ditch, guess who they come running to. That's right, me. Do they ever realize that I lift heavy things for a LIVING? Do I go over there and ask him to build me an aqueduct?

December 2, 517 B.C., 8:30 AM
Nyx had barely lifted her curtain of darkness upon the land when I awoke with a mighty Charlie Horse in my hamstring. I'm not as young as I used to be.

Nones Januarius, 516 B.C. 11:30 AM
The neighbors sold a portion of their land to a developer who wants to put up a Ballyus's Baths. There goes the neighborhood, IMHO. Anyway, the upshot was that I had to schlep that damned calf into its new paddock -- which was four leugas away, and that calf weighs more than a few triens, let me tell you!

Walking those near-endless cubits gave me the chance to get to know the neighbor's daughter, Kristin, who walked the full distance with me. Nice girl ;) .

So sore I can barely move.

26 Januarius, 516 B.C. 3:20 PM
Shook off my lethargy and decided to have another go at repositioning the menhir that the neighborhood kids knocked over during the last Festival of Dionysus. To my surprise, I managed to lift it, easily. Maybe all that calf-lifting has done me some good (lol).

Kalends Februarius, 516 B.C. 6:15 AM
Knocked on the neighbor's door. Asked if I could borrow his cow for an hour or two. Was chased off the property with a pilum.

3 Februarius 516 B.C. 5 PM
Lunch with neighbors during which I explained my need for the cow. Much more understanding. Under Kristin's watchful eye, I hefted the cow again, which has already grown considerably. Planned to return daily for more cow-lifting in preparation for the Games this upcoming Junius.

Nones Februarius-Kalends Junius, 516 B.C., 10 PM.
Sorry for not writing for so long -- busy training schedule which I'll try to sum up below:


Jog in place
Jumping Jacks
Baby Sheep Overhead Lifts, 3 x 10 (warmup)

Ox-Cart Pulls, :30 x 5; 2 minutes rest
Hip Flexor Stretch 1 min/side
Menhir Flipping, AMRAP x :30 x 3; 2 minutes rest
Glute-Activation Side Raises, 25/leg

Giant Set:
Cow Clean and Jerk, 3 x 5
Cow Push Press 3 x 5
Cow Floor Press 3 x 5
Cow Squats 3 x 5
Cow Walking Lunges 3 x 1 leuga
2 minutes rest, repeat

Jump rope, 2 minutes

Postworkout meal: 4 librae horsemeat, Omega-3 fatty acids

I feel like a regular Atlas. If Vince McMahonius could see me now.

Kalends Quinctilis, 516 B.C. 6:00 AM
Olympic Games Recap

Well, suffiice it to say I cleaned up -- again. For fun I carried my training cow INTO THE STADIUM, which caused a big stir. Wore my lion-skin, thank you very much, and didn't even have to have it let out. Managed to throw Timasitheus in our second bout. So, yes, laurel wreath, the adulation of the crowd, showered with tetradrachms -- with which I'm going to buy up the whole block in Amalfi for me and Kristin -- yes, we're getting married. What can I say? A great day all around.

I've been spending my time trying to uproot a hideous tree that's taken over my front yard. Right now I'm using wedges to split it, but it's slow going. Ye gods, that tree will be the death of me.

I thought I'd just go quietly into retirement, but the other day, just for old time's sake, I started carrying my training cow around a bit, and a crowd of people gathered around, all wanting to know how often I lifted her, how far I carried her, how long I kept her up there. Had I considered taking longer between repetitions of lifting her onto my shoulders? Had I tried dragging her as fast as I could across the pasture?

One man seemed to think that I had it all wrong, that I should lift two small cows, one in each hand. Another thought I should lift a progression of cows of different sizes. Still another man assured me that my great strength meant nothing if I couldn't lift the cow while balancing on an inflated bladder! Meanwhile, a bald-pated man named Schulerius carved everything I said into stone tablets -- as if anyone would be interested in the lifting of heavy objects for recreation. As evening fell, a druid, skulking in the shadows, showed me a cauldron of something foul-smelling that he told me would give me the strength of Hercules. He said we could sell it together, and he'd put my picture on the bottle, but a moment later a centurion hustled him away in handcuffs.

Vince McMahonius is trying to get me to endorse his new line of cow-shaped stones that are rigged into a pulley contraption that he thinks will produce better results than cow-lifting. He says that pretty soon people will be more interested in the way their image looks carved on a stone tablet than whether they can win the Olympic games.

I'm not so sure. I mean, in 2000 years, who's going to care?

1 comment:

Madley said...


There's a screenplay in there somewhere too...