Thursday, April 03, 2008

I'm a C.S.C.S. GOD!

So what if it’s been a million years since you’ve heard from me, you folks are going to fall at my feet when I hit you with THIS: I just got myself a new certification! From now on, when you see me in the ‘food supplement’ aisle at the Piggly Wiggly, mulling over protein/carb rations from behind my cat-eye glasses, you’re going to tell your shopping partner, in awestruck tones, “Look! There’s Andrew Heffernan, Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist!” (You might also say “C.S.C.S.” if you’re into the brevity thing.)

The bottom line is that as of about 1:25 this afternoon, I’m six to eight times smarter than I was when I woke up this morning.

With that in mind, to better serve you, the following policy changes will be instituted here at (whose name will be changed to “

1) When asked questions about fitness, I will cite EVERYTHING, usually referencing Thomas R. Baechle or Roger W. Earle, co-authors of ESSENTIALS OF STRENGTH TRAINING AND CONDITIONING, usually by saying something like “Uncle Tommy says…” and “Rodger-Dodger postulates…” .

2) My training rates will now go up to 120.00 hourly IF purchased in packages of 20 or more. If you have to ask the price of a single session, honey, you can’t afford it.

3) I’ll now have my own monthly column in MEN’S FITNESS, called “Build Babe-Magnet Muscles,” and one in MEN’S HEALTH called “Make Monogamy Fun with Exercise!”

4) This blog will now be subscription-based only. So anyone reading will have to PAY from now on, per entry. Given my new status, I can’t imagine that will affect readership AT ALL. Right, guys? *

5) …Guys? Anyone still there??

In truth, I’m very happy to have passed this test. It’s the gold standard of fitness certifications—grab any newsstand fitness rag and you’ll see “C.S.C.S.” after just about every author’s name—and after having studied for and taken the test, it’s easy to see why: they put you through your paces in a way that many other certifying bodies do not. The test is a four-hour ordeal, covering some pretty darn in-depth information on anatomy, physiology, cardiovascular function, nutrition, biomechanics, testing procedures, etc, much of which was new to me when I was studying it.

But now that I’ve got it, you can be sure I’m going to flaunt the bejesus out of it.

I will take your questions now.

Andrew Heffernan, C.S.C.S.

* reminder: this is a joke.


Madley said...

Congratulations, Andrew, C.S.C.S.! (oopsie... how much did those three words just cost me?! LOL)

But really... when do we start with the babe-magnet muscle articles? I'll have lots of folks to refer to you...

Anonymous said...

Andrew! As per usual, humour and humility to offset a truly great accomplishment! Congratulations are due for working out the most difficult muscle you have, Your Brain! Seriously - good work! -Daniel

Lawyer Boyfriend said...

Are you going to start signing EVERY post "Andrew Heffernan, C.S.C.S?" Because, honestly, that would be awesome.

Andrew said...

Oh, it's going to go much further than signing my posts CSCS. Everyone's going to have to CALL me that from now on, too.


Lawyer Boyfriend said...

Andrew, it's been over a week and a half. Where are you dude? Ready for the next article.